I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
