did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
