u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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