everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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