I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
