mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
