you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
