dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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