my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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