I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
