Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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