I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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