You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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