If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
