She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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