Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
