It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
