Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
