around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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