You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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