She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
