I can text with my tongue
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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