i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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