new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize