He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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