I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
