i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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