i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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