Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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