I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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