Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
