i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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