The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
