if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
