After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize