Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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