hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
