he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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