I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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