it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
