It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
