it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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