then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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