just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
