went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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