Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
