The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
