I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Someone stole a lamp last night.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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