Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
