Farmville is her only friend.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
