the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
home. puking in laundry basket.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Someone signed my nipple.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
