fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
