you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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