I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
