Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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