So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
